my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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