I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
