i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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