Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
