Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
