after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
