i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
