I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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