Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
