if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
