On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
