watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
