Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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