I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
