Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
