There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
