Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
