Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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