My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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