I think I died a long time ago.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well I just put wine in my tea
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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