My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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