my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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