I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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