He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
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If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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