If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
