I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
