i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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