shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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