all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
