I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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