Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
