i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so let's talk penis.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
