Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
