dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
