sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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