I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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