Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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