Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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