I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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