theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
