so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
