Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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