Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize