i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
