Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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