i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
