I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
