This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
