I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
