You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
