I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
