Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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