I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
