i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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