Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
