Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
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Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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