We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Randomize
